Trapped By Fear
by Katherine.Cullenxx
Summary: It's not easy for Bella Swan to live without fear. Her life revolves around it. After an incident in grade school she has to overcome many obsticles. Why does everything go back to that one day? ExB All Human Rated T. OOC a bit.
1. Chapter 1

Panic Disorder.

Borderline Personality Disorder.

Eating Disorder.

School Phobia.

Emetophobia.

Depression.

Self-Harm

Victim of Abuse

My list of many disorders and phobias. My stuggles.

This, is where my story begins.

------------

I was in grade 5. It was a normal wintery day. The sky was cloudy, little snowflakes falling lightly from the sky, the ground covered in a thin layer of snow, the chilly weather, the sound of kids gossiping and playing. Just a normal winter day. I felt normal that day aswel. Though I do not remember completely what happened before the incident, I know I had looked in the mirror that morning to find the same me. My pale skin, my freckled oval like face, my plain brown eyes that could sometimes look golden, my brown straight hair just below my shoulders as I had been growing it out, My somewhat slim body that I knew just needed a couple more pounds off and would be the perfect, healthy weight. Everything was completely normal. Or so I had thought.

The bell had rung and I went to line up at the portable, waiting to be let inside. First was math. I liked math. I was good at it, and it seemed easy to me. I found it easier than language or any other subject because the answers could be right or wrong. Black or white, no inbetween. Though that was not really how I looked at things in life, I was always afraid to get things wrong in school, embarassing or dissapointing myself and others.

I had looked at the clock to find it was almost 10:30 recess. We were dismissed to get snacks and that's when it happened.

I got my brownies out of my bag, took a bite and started back to my desk when I saw Edward, bend over and throw up, spew splattering everywhere a few feet in front of me. After that, everything seemed to go 500 mph. Everyone ran to the farthest corner of the class and the teacher went over to help Edward.

I was the one most affected, begging to leave, repeating I didn't feel well, and needed to go home. The teacher said I was fine. I didn't feel like I was though.

We all left for recess, me hypervenilating, half eaten brownie still in hand. I walked out and stood against one of the portables furthest from mine. I couldn't breathe. I kept panting, gasping for air that I didn't think was getting to my lungs. It felt like I was in a pool and unexpectedly pulled underwater. Like I was trying to swim or reach to the surface, trying desperately to get out. My vision started to blur as I felt dizzy. My fingers clammy and shaking.

_Panic attack._  
The thought of eating the brownie in my hand disgusted me. I thought if I ate it, I would throw up or get seriously sick. So, I let it drop to the ground.

Drowning.

Down.

Down.

Down.

_Eating disorder._

Haunting.

Down.

Down.

Down.

I then saw Rosalie and Alice came running over, getting past all the kids on the playground. I stared at them, dazed.

"Bella, Bella!" They said. "What's wrong?"

"E-Edward threw up in class. I don't know w-why I'm acting like this. Oh, God." I stuttered. I gripped the wall of the portable behind me tightly.

"Yeah, I know. We saw him at the office! He looked so green." Alice replied with a disgusted face.

I was jelous. Purly jelous that the situation didn't have an effect on them as it did on me.

I knew I was a mess, and they insisted on taking me to the office. I knew that asking to go home wouldn't do anything, they or my mother and father would not let me. But, I went anyways.

I remember walking down the hallways hearing Rosalie and Alice reassure me.

"It's okay Bella, you'll be home soon" Rosalie said.

"Yeah, just imagine yourself at home, in bed or watching television with no worries." Alice added.

I thought about it and it made me feel slightly better, but worse at the same time. I wanted out NOW. I didn't want to be at school. I wanted to be at home. If I was gunna be sick anywhere I want it to be at home where my mom could be there and help me. I wanted to go home and never go back to school, ever.

_School phobia._

Falling.

Down.

Down.

Down.

------------------------

And I was right, they didn't let me go home. I ended up sitting in the sick room, which only made me more anxious. I hated that room. Their stupid plastic beds which were plastic for a reason. It seemed like everything I saw made me more anxious. And on top of that, Edwardl, of all people was right there with me. I swear someone up in heaven hated me.

I had always had a crush on him. For almost a year and a half at the time. He moved from Brazil to Canada in Senior Kindergarden. His brown-ish red hair long, covering his eyes slightly. He was tall and lean. Very muscular because he was a soccer player. I use to do everything I could to be with him, to talk to him. Just like any girl with a crush would do. Now, the sight and thought of him made me feel sick. And not the good kind of sick. Not the butterflies in your stomach and smiling like an idiot sick. Sick like you were going to vomit. And here I was, sitting 5 feet away from him, trying to get my breathing under control, without much success.

The secretary approached us, holding a garbage can.

"Here hon, if you feel like you're going to get sick again, use this."

Edward just nodded. Yeah, like that made my situation any better! I could feel the tears behind my eyes, begging to come out. But I wouldn't let them. I couldn't.

Edward turned slightly and opened his mouth to speak.

"Do you feel sick because of what you saw?" He asked.

I knew what he meant. Of course I did.

"Yes," I replied "It's not your fault though"

"I was trying to ask to go to the washroom" he continued "I felt sick, but she didn't see me raising my hand."

This made me slightly mad. Well, why didn't you try harder? Why didn't you just run to the bathroom without permission? She would have understood! Why didn't you atleast get to the garbage can and not throw up all over the stupid floor in front of my eyes!?

I wanted to scream this at him. I wanted to make him understand that I was really affected by this. I wanted him to know that I probably wouldn't be the same after this! My eyes began to water, but no tears fell, for which I was thankful for.

I had bit my tongue and just nodded, letting the conversation end there.

I saw his mom come through the office door. She had long, light brown hair with blonde highlights and was wearing cream coloured pants and a black blouse.

"Your mom is here" I told him, taking a careful glance straight into his eyes. The sick feeling in my stomach intensified until my breathing became even heavier and shakier, but I don't think he noticed.

"Yeah, bye."

And just like that, he left.

------------------------------------  
**You guys are probably thinking 'Brazil? What?" aha well basically this is MY life story. I'm just using the characters from twilight to tell it. Everything is true in this story except when they get past age 13 (which is what i am now.. well i will be in 2 days)  
My chapters for this may be a little short, but i will update very often.**

For those of you who read my other fanfic... IM NOT GIVING UP ON IT! i just havent been in the mood for writing. I will update that when i can.

REVIEW

REVIEW

REVIEWWWW!!


	2. Chapter 2

From then on it went completely downhill. I try to forget about that year, those feelings, those struggles. I try, but they all keep coming back whether I want them to or not.

I did whatever I could to stay home from school. To not eat, or go outside. I wanted, _craved_ to be confined to the four walls of my bedroom.

I wouldn't eat. No matter how hard my parents tried to get me to, I simply did not eat. From all the anxiety and lack of food, I became extremely skinny. I was 20 pounds underweight. You could easily see my ribs, shoulder blades, color bones, and hip-bones. My legs were like tooth picks, my cheeks and stomach sunken in. When I look back on how I looked, I feel _sick_. I was too thin and it was obvious I didn't take care of myself. It made me wonder how nobody noticed how sick I was. And if they did, why didn't they say anything?

The school phobia was horrible. Every bad word you could think of and that was what it was like. My parents had to come home from work to literaly drag me to school.

I hated myself for that. Their jobs were at risk and they didn't need more stress. They already had me to worry about.

After about a month or so, nothing got better. In fact, it may have gotten worse. What I hated the most though, is that nobody noticed. Even if they did, they wouldn't say a word. I felt so unloved and worthless. I felt as if I were just a burden on peoples lives. I was feeling so many emotions, but I was good at hiding them.

Edward never noticed anything either. That kind of stung a little. How could he not notice? He did this to me! And as much as I never wanted to be near him, I did. We sat across from eachother and talked often. Is it possible to love and hate somebody at the same time?

Yes, yet it is.

-------------------------------------

It was mid-February. The morning was rough. My dad had come home and was beyond mad which was understandable. I was crying, yelling, breathing heavily, and dragged to school. More specifically, the office.

I hid my face in my dad's shoulder, completely terrified, having about the third panic attack that morning. The secratery told the other 2 students who were in the office not to stare. In a way, I was thankful for that, but also embarassed and ashamed.

Mrs. Lombardi came out of the teachers lounge. I always thought she was nice. She had short brown hair, looked in her 30's. She was curvy, not fat. Had a pretty good, comfortable taste in fashion. She was the school councelor. I never really cared much for the school councelor, not seeing any reason to have one there until that very day.

She continued walking with papers and a water bottle in hand until she saw me. I remember her, coming over to me.

"Hi, Bella." She bent down to my level.

"I'm Mrs. Lombardi, which you may already know."

I stared at her, unsure of what to do or say. Should I shake her hand? Say hello? Anything? Instead, I just gave her a small nod.

"Would you like to come with me and hang out in my office?"

I guess if any teacher said this, a student would think they were in trouble. But, in this situation, it was completely different. I contemplated. Why should I go? I could handle this problem on my own. I didn't need anyone. I had gotten that far on my own, why change now? Getting through it with my own strength would mean so much more. But, what if I had one person to just talk to? To vent to once and a while. Would that work? I doubted it.

I had continued this little battle in my head for a couple of minutes until I gave a response. I looked up at Mrs. Lombardi, my vision blurred by my tears.

"Yes." It was a simple, one word answer, right? But, sometimes one-word answers aren't exactly simple.

She held out her hand and I took it. We walked to her office which was located near the library.

We played cards, which I beat her at mostly and it was obvious she was trying. We had laughed and talked what we enjoyed doing and about our familys. She continued throwing questions at me.

"What do your parents do? What's your sister's name? Do you like sports or music?" I answered her saying that my parents had really big and imporatant jobs so they weren't around that much. I talked about my sister Jessica and that I only like swimming and am more of a musical person.

I had asked her if she was married, had a child, and things like that. But, the one question I most wanted to ask slipped from my tongue.

"Aren't you going to ask me a million questions about how I feel?" I had asked, forming my hands to make air quotation marks as I said the word 'feel'.

She looked up from the cards and simply said.

"No."

And sometimes, one word answers _are_ simple.

From that moment, I knew this wouldn't just be the start of my healing proccess, but the start of a new friendship aswel.

------------------------  
**Just to let you guys know, Mrs. Lombardi isn't her actual name.**

Please REVIEWW! :)  
they make me happy aha.

REVIEW

REVIEW

REVIEWWWW :)


End file.
